so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
