Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
