Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
