she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
