The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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