i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
