Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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