I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
