i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
