My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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