this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
