I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
