My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
