so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
