You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
And then he peed in my hair
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