He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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