we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
