Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
