I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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