just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
