i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
