guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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