Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
