There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My liver just broke up with me...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
