you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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