mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
