Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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