somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Randomize
