I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
