I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
