life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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