your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
