...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Randomize
