I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
