just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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