I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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