meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
