I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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