Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
