dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize