Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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