i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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