I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
