the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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