In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
And then he peed in my hair
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