I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize