she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
