Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
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He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
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Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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