My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
