if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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