best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
