My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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