i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
