We named our party play list daddy issues
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't deserve a penis
I didn't notice because vodka
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
