____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
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Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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