for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I fill condoms, not promises.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
